The home is privately nestled in a dead end cove, in a quiet neighborhood that has greatly declined in value. This cheaply made modular home has a long, paved driveway-which incidentally, is the best feature of the home currently. It leads to the Sanford and Son themed carport, amply surrounded by the plush greenery of overgrown weeds and rotting trees just waiting for the next ice storm to hit. The roof is in need of repairs,and by repairs, I mean ‘replacement’.The crack on the interior ceiling runs from one side of the house to the other, and isn’t far from caving in. Yes, there are vaulted ceilings- but not for long! The huge, gaping hole in the master bath ceiling is a must-see. It’s been there for years, and for the last 3 years, blue jeans were stuffed in the hole to soak up the rain. The jeans have since been replaced with some other inappropriate stuffing material. There is some minor damage from the mice infestation:window sills and door frames have been eaten off the walls, dried rodent feces embedded into the carpet, giving the home that oh-so fresh scent known as ‘OMG, what smells like dirty rear end, sweaty feet, and the fecal droppings of dead carcasses in here?!’, Its nearly as intoxicating as it is, well...toxic. However, I’m happy to say that the pink and black mold found throughout the house is not related to the mice, just good old neglect and laziness-therefore, it can (and should) be properly cleaned and sanitized before occupying. There is a dishwasher, it doesn’t work, but has been turned into a very convenient drying rack. The strong scent of urine lingers throughout the home, mixed with the mildewing aroma born of pure neglect & poor personal hygienic habits. Ceiling fans throughout, and some might work! One of them actually has all the blades attached. But, you can’t turn it on, or it will shake violently enough to warrant abuse charges. The part of the yard that’s visible looks great-just don’t look elsewhere. The outside deck is rotten and crumbling, because God forbid anyone should invest in some water seal to protect what could have been a beautiful addition to the home. For the most part, the neighbors keep to themselves, until someone gets angry and shoots your dog. (Yes, it happened to us.) There may be (lots) of disease causing, petrified chicken excrement and decay left in the back yard. Not to mention, the dilapidated, smelly coop that was left standing for years, after the famous T county bloodbath better known as ‘the chickens vs possums’ of Rolling Hills Lake Estates. (The possums won, fyi) This is a peaceful area, now that most of the younger adults living nearby have divorced, or are paying their debts to society. There is a wonderful pond in the lot next door, if you can find a way to access it without being chased down and threatened for trespassing. If you do get down there, the pond is hidden under about 10 years worth of accumulated pond scum and debris. Your neighborhood association fees help provide and maintain this luxurious fishing spot, which the fish can barely survive themselves. At night, relax under the moonlight and enjoy the comfort of the cozy front porch.(which has seen more action than a retired adult film star) I wouldn’t want Dateline to show up with an ultraviolet light,js) Sit and relish the sounds of country living at its best- random neighboring gunfire, fireworks being shot off constantly, the day and night howling cries of the chained up, starving dogs in the area.Also, the school district is great- your JH-bound pride and joy will be jumped in to his/her first gang in no time. No need to apply for it, they will literally be waiting to welcome your precious little one. Nothing beats that small town love and acceptance! Once on the market, this one will go quickly- so don’t miss out on this charming opportunity. Serious inquiries only, please- and if you do inquire, may I ask, ‘WHY???’
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